i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
