I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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