Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
