took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
