Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
