i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
