He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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