I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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