New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
