Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Randomize
