if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
