Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
