he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
