Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
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Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
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Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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