I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
