Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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