i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
