you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
