So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
