I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
