Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
