I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
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Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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