you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Randomize
