I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
