it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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