And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
