Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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