Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
My ATM looks so different sober.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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