remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
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ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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