he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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