Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
