I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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