I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
