I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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