but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
