Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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