do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
