i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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