did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
