Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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