Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
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when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
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i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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