Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
