i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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