How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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