My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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