there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
i need some magic done to my vagina
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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