If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
