Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
