Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
