Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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