The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
