This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
