got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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