ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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