I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
