Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
