what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
