Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Randomize
