i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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