She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
