Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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