It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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