My brain says no but my pants say off.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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