I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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