chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
